May 25, 2015
I visited my grave today.
I visited my space. My plot, my pre-paid and pre-planned final resting spot at East Lawn Cemetery, just to the right of my beloved, the Father of my sons, my husband Dean.
I brought flowers, Red, White and Blue, for him, that is, because it seemed appropriate for Memorial Day weekend .
Even though Dean was not a veteran of the U.S. military, he was a veteran of protecting others and serving as a Law Enforcement Officer his entire adult life . I can’t help but think of him on these days, and I choose to honor him. When he died, being practical, I bought two Plots . glance to the right, thinking of my spot, the empty one. Of course, I don’t want to die yet, because I feel my purpose here is incomplete– however, I know that timing is not up to me. I pray for a long, at least longer, life.
During my visit I did what I always do, tended his grave. I washed off his headstone, cleaned the edges, pulled the weeds, and filled the cup with fresh water for my bouquet. Done, I looked again that three feet north. My spot. Thankfully, unfilled. It makes me uncomfortable.
I hear a voice, “what are you waiting for? Live! “
The time and nature of our end date is unknown to all but God, and I for one would not want to know those details. They are best left to the future. As I progress through this cycle of life, grief, rediscovery, growth, healing, wisdom, 3 and 1/2 years down the widow road I think truthfully less of him, and more of me– what will I be, do, know, feel, taste, teach, give in the next chapter of my life ? Am I brave enough to receive it? Can I put aside the guilt and truly live freely and generously looking ahead, not behind?
The truth is , I have some survivor’s guilt. The fact is, though, that Dean tragically died young, and that is an impactful loss many will feel forever. His absence is at many times a gaping hole we work around. However, even standing on the abyss of that loss, we three are strong, by the grace of God, and the gifts of others, strong enough to look at the road ahead. I acknowledge I need to set that guilt aside, and cut it loose. He wouldn’t want me to feel this way.
I didn’t know it at the time, but I did NOT die that day. A part of my present became my past, and a part of the future became my present. My gift, IS the air I breathe–I am alive, Ironically, more so than ever.
I desperately want to live.
“Dear God, today as I watch the wind blow in this “weeping place” I pray that you would give me the courage, strength and wisdom to continue moving forward as you have planned for yours and my greatest good. Please, Give me wisdom, Lord, to make good choices in direction, in time, in self-care and in fulfilling my destiny. Keep me safe, Lord, from things and those that are not good for me, and guide my steps to the place where I can show love, be loved and know and teach of your amazing love.
Thank you, God, for this day, this new song, this fresh breeze and the hope that comes from knowing my address is with you, not a grave and not alone. Thank you for loving me.
Sign me ….
Your growing daughter — amen . “